Pre-Chemo Yesterday-Chemo today

I had my pre-chemo visit with the doctor, or really with his nurse practitioner yesterday. The good news is that all my blood test came back really good. They even have a test that tells how much water your body has or something like that. She told me that my fluid intake has been really good and to keep it up. I just looked at her and smiled. I was a little confused because she made it sound like I was drinking a lot of water, I didn't bother to tell her that my main liquid consumption is COFFEE!!!!!

It was also good to know that my fatigue is being caused by the chemo and not because I'm anemic . . . my red and white blood cells are all looking really good. She reminded me and I'm glad she did, that on average chemo zaps 50% of your normal energy level. I then remebered reading and hearing about that, I just forgot and also didn't think it would hit so soon.

To better help me cope with all this I need to start thinking about it a little different. I'm a pretty positive person, but in certain situations one has to face reality and too much positive thinking can actually have a negative effect, especially when a positive result is statistically against you. So, instead of thinking and waiting for the next day to be better, and being bummed when it's not, I have to realize I'm going to have more "not so good days" and less "really good ones". So my mind set has got to be that most days will be "not so good" or "worse" and then when I do have the good days it will be a nice surprise and I can take advantage of it. The nurse did say that as hard as it may sound . . . . some exercise is really good for battling the fatigue.

She also looked at my hands and said I need to get a good intensive lotion for my hands and feet. She said that sometimes they can get so dry that they really hurt and she said I don't want that happening if possible. So I've got to get some good lotion and put it on 3 times a day!!! I have pretty dry skin to begin with and it doesn't get lotioned even once a day . . . I'm just not too good at that kind of thing . . . you know . . . taking care of ME, so 3 times a day will be a lot. Maybe I can get Chelsea and Richard to help, that would be nice and relaxing.

Ok, gotta go for chemo. I'll write more later or tomorrow.

Keep Smilin'
Hugs,
Wendy

The last few days have been tough one's

First, I don't get to many comments from readers on my blog, but I do get several e-mails from you all and I want to thank everyone for writing to me.


The last few days have been really tough. I wrote previously about what a good weekend I had last weekend and I did some yard work, etc. Well, Monday and Tuesday were OK, but it's been down hill ever since.


I guessing it's fatigue, but I'm not liking it. I was looking so forward to feeling good the week before my next treatment, like I did last time, but it's not happening this time. I wasn't expecting to feel like this so soon, if at all. I've been tired, depressed, emotional, tired, depressed, did I mention tired?!?!?

I hear that some people kind of breeze through all this and others don't. I just didn't think I would be one of the "don'ts"!!

I know the side effects can be different after each treatment, but I gotta tell ya, I can't imagine feeling like this for the next few months!!

On a good note . . . . we got the last of my hay today. I'm good to go for another year. Boy, that is such a relief, I just can't tell you how great it is to not have to worry about that. The last 2 weekends we had some helpers, but today it was just Rick, Chelsea and me. I didn't do much, I wanted to but Rick wouldn't let me and I probably couldn't have done a whole lot . . . except I did help put bales on the hay ladder toward the end when Rick and Chelsea were getting pretty wore out. That hay ladder is the best dang investment we've made . . . I just don't know how we would have done it without the hay ladder, especially with 100# bales, which is what we had today . . . . 80 of them!!!! I guess we just wouldn't have been able to do it, those puppies are HEAVY!!!!! I thank Rick and Chelsea so much for all the hard work they did for me and my horses!!

I hope you are all having a good weekend!!
Keep Smilin'
Hugs,
Wendy

I have a new website

Several years ago I was trying to come up with possible business names, for several different reasons. I have a bookkeeping business and I was thinking about starting a photography business and I wanted to start a horse/people rescue, etc., etc. I came up with one name . . . . The Equine Spirit and I purchased the domain for this . . . theequinespirit.com several years ago.


So for several years I had not come up with any good ideas to use this name for, but I had a feeling the day would come and when it did I'd already have the name picked out and the domain to go with it.


Well that time has come. The Equine Spirit . . . .http://www.theequinespirit.com/ is my new website. This new site is not really about my photography business, but instead it's about selling photo products with my images on them and donating a percentage of the sales to breast cancer research. What I have done with this website so far is just the beginnng . . . I'm not sure where it will end up going but I'm looking forward to it.

So check it out if you get a chance and let me know what you think of it.

I had a really good day today. I was feeling great and got some yard work done and it felt so good to be able to do this!!! I should, for the most part, feel pretty good until after my next chemo treatment which is scheduled for July 30th.

I hope you all had a good weekend.
Keep Smilin'
Hugs,
Wendy

Coffee starting to taste like . . .Coffee . . .it's a sign!!!!!

I have great news!!!!! This morning my coffee is starting to taste like, well like COFFEE!!!!!!! This really is good news and I see it as a sign that I am getting better.

For the last week I've been drinking coffee but it doesn't taste like coffee . . . . it doesn't really taste like anything. It's frustrating because I keep craving a good cup of coffee and although I'm drinking it, it has not been satisfying that craving!!!

So I think within a couple of days coffee and food will really start tasting like it should. Some people say that food has a real metal or metallic taste after chemo. I have not experienced that kind of taste, my food and drink just doesn't have much taste to it of any kind!!

I'm sure it doesn't help that my mouth gets really messed up after chemo. At first it gets kind of a numb feeling to it and after a few days I start to get little sores on my tongue and the inside of my lips get a little raw. Then I start to get the white patches (thrush) and that's why I have special medicated lozenges that I have to suck on. Now that I know this will probably happen after each chemo I will start the lozenges a couple days sooner next time so hopefully it won't get as bad. I'm lucky it doesn't get so bad that I can't eat or drink because it sounds like it can get that bad for some people.

Ok, it's a little chilly in the house this morning. I'm going to get another cup of "almost taste like coffee" coffee and go sit outside in the sun!!!!!! I haven't been able to tan my head yet, maybe I should start on that today!!

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.
Keep Smilin'
Hugs,
Wendy

You would think . . . . but noooooo . . . . . .

Wouldn't it just make sense that a person would/should feel progressively better each day after having chemo? Well, I guess it just doesn't work that way. Plus I think I'm just a little impatient, just a little!! Today is only one week since I had treatment, but sometimes it feels like forever.

I feel better than I did last weekend, but I still feel "not so good" and when I don't wake up feeling better than I did the day before . . . . I wonder why.

I think what I might be feeling today is fatigue. I've read where fatigue is different from just being tired or sleepy. I don't like it though. One minute I will feel ok and the next minute I can't find a chair quick enough to sit down in. I was going to go to the neighbors house tonight to talk to them with Rick about putting up a barn. Just before leaving my stomach started not feeling good, so I stayed home, afraid to venture to far from the bathroom, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, yes I'm complaining, sorry. Just feeling a little low today. I suppose that is to be expected and I'm real glad it doesn't happen too often.

I've been thinking a lot about my photography and what I'm going to do with it. I think I'm going to do things different when I start up the business again. I also think I'm supposed to use my journey with cancer in some way with my photography and part of the proceeds will be donated to a cancer organization. I'm not sure what or how yet, it hasn't quite come to me, but I can totally feel it's out there just waiting for the right time to reveal itself.

Hmmmm, ok, I will leave you with my favorite quote regarding photography . . . .

"No matter how slow the film, Spirit always stands still long enough for the photographer It has chosen" . . by Minor White

Keep Smilin'
Hugs,
Wendy

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

It's almost 5am and I've had some trouble sleeping tonight. Just got up and had coffee with Rick before he left, checking e-mail and then hope to go to bed and get some sleep.

Feeling a little bit better than I did over the weekend, but still a little weak and shaky. My stomach has been giving me some problems too. Just a little nausea, but some gas & pains and a little diarrhea. My mouth is hurting again with sores and thrush, so yesterday I started taking the lozenges they prescribed for this. Next time I'll start the lozenges sooner and try to avoid it getting this bad. Like last time food doesn't have much taste to it and my coffee taste like . . . . well it doesn't taste like coffee!!!!!!!!!!

I had a business appointment yesterday and wore my wig for the "official" first time. It was great and because I was so focused on what the meeting was about I even forgot that I was wearing a wig!! Of course as soon as I got home the sucker came off, but it worked out really well.

Getting sleepy so maybe I'll try to go back to bed now.
Hope everyone is doing well.
Keep Smilin'
Hugs,
Wendy

Saturday, July 12, 2008

2nd treatment down, 4 to go!! I had treatment on Wednesday this week. I forgot how emotional I get after the chemo treatments. It starts the day after treatment and only last a couple of days, thank goodness. Thursday and Friday I could have and did cry about everything, even if it didn't need cried about!! Today is a little better, although thinking about it all makes me want to cry again!! The body aches, from the shot, started yesterday evening and I'm feeling pretty rough today. But I can only lay in bed for soooooo long without going crazy so I thought I'd write a little here today. I just took some pain meds so hopefully I'll be able to take a nap in a little bit. It's so beautiful outside and so much I'd like to be doing in the yard . . . . uggghhhh, "this is only temporary, this is only temporary, this is only temporary"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For the most part I'm being very positive about all of this. I go through the days and just don't think too much about it, it's just the way it is right now. Then, especially after treatment, I "think" about it. Last night was a little hard as I got pretty emotional, but not as bad as last time. I sat in bed and really thought about what I'm going through. Thank goodness I don't do this often, but I'm sure it wouldn't be normal if I didn't think about these things. Luckily I'm too busy most of the time to "think" about it all, but not after chemo, 'cuz, there's not much else I can do!! I have breast cancer. I have breast cancer. I really, really have breast cancer!!!!! WOW, sometimes it's still hard for me to totally realize this. I've had 2 operations, I'm missing almost 1/2 of my right breast, I've lost my hair, I'm going through chemo, I'm going through chemo, then I'll go through radiation. Then who knows what?!?!?!?! Do not get me wrong . . . . I am NOT complaining . . . I'm just stating the facts. Facts that I have a hard time believing sometimes. Remember, this stuff happens to other people, not to "me" or "you", right??? Wrong . . . now I'm "other people"!!!! and sometimes this just hits me harder than other times.

But the minute I think I might be complaining I've got to counter it, because I am so Blessed in so many ways. It could be much worse . . . . and I am fully aware that there are so many out there that have it much, much worse than me. Just thinking about this makes me cry. A couple of weeks ago I was outside the grocery store and I passed a man in a wheelchair that had no legs. I moved over so he could get by and he said "thank you". I just wanted to grab him and hug him and ball my eyes out. I sit here now crying as I think about this. Yep, I'm just a LITTLE emotional today!! One thing I struggle with in all of this is how it effects my family members. I sometimes feel bad that they have to go through this with me. Again, I am so fortunate and blessed that I have such a wonderful, supportive family. My mom, my sister, my brother, my nieces, my aunt, my kids, my hubby, my friends, anyone reading this . . . . . everyone!!!!!!!!!!

It's that time of year to get hay for the horses. My hubby Rick is NOT a horse person and he doesn't quite understand that I don't ride my horses, but he totally supports me in having them. Yesterday he went and got 4 ton of hay for me. This is only part of what I need, so we'll do this a couple more times, but 4 ton is all that will fit in his dump truck. Yep, he gets my hay in his dump truck!! Bet you don't see too many dump trucks around hauling hay!!!!!!! Anyway, these bales are 95 pounds each and 4 ton equals 86 of them!!!! My daughter Chelsea and her friend Arika and the neighbor boy helped Rick get all this stacked in the barn for me. For me, for me, for me!!!! It was really hard for me because all I could do, well, all Rick would let me do is "supervise" and count the bales. Mom, if you read this, put your slipper away, I didn't do any work!!! (I love you)!!!!

Well, Chemo Brain, as they call it, just kicked in. I have gone totally blank on what I was thinking and writing about!!!! The pain meds are kicking in too so that doesn't help. I just can't say enough about how Blessed I really am. God is amazing and He has a plan and just knowing that makes things a lot easier to deal with. I'm giving you all a "virtual" group hug . . . . I love you and thank you for reading and commenting on my blog!!!!! I'll leave you know with a picture of me in my new wig.
Keep Smilin'
Love and Hugs,
Wendy

Tuesday-July 8th

I had my pre-chemo visit with oncologist today. He really is a nice man and that really helps A LOT!!
My blood test all look good and I'm a go for my chemo treatment tomorrow. I may have mentioned this before, but they do blood test before every treatment to make sure everything looks ok. If my white blood cell count was way low or other things, they may postpone treatment, which just prolongs things and I hope I don't have to ever worry about that. They have lots of safety measures to make sure your body is handling things ok, or at least as ok as they can be while on chemo!!

He is going to lower my Nulasta shot from 6 to 2 (milligrams or whatever they use to measure it) . That's the shot that kicked my butt last time and gave me sever bone and body pain. Also my white blood cell count is still like almost 20,000 times more than it should be, so I shouldn't need so much of the shot and that means I hopefully won't feel so much pain from it. The shot causes my body to produce more white blood cells. Because I produced sooooo much from the shot and it builds up in the bones, that's what causes the pain.

I had to start my anti-nausea drugs today. I take 2 twice a day the day before, day of and day after chemo. They also give me some in my IV before the chemo drugs. The only issue I have with this drug is that it contains steroids and can make it difficult for you to sleep. I already have problems with falling asleep at night. I was doing well for a while but have slowly gone back to being a bit of a night owl and since starting chemo and especially with some of these drugs it's made it worse. I told the doc that sometimes the sun is coming up before I fall asleep!! So here it is 1:37 am and although I'm feeling a little tired and my back is hurting, I haven't even tried to go to bed yet. Maybe I will after I'm done with this.

I have some sleeping pills the surgeon gave me but I haven't taken them for a while. I seem to be taking so many pills these days and I wanted to make sure it was ok with my oncologist that I take these. He said that yes, I could take them, but I forgot tonight and it's way too late to take one now. I've got to get up for chemo in the morning!!

Ok, I've got to go. But I have to tell you . . . I found and bought a wig today. It's amazing how real the wigs look now a days. I absolutely love this thing. It's a style that I'd never be able to get my hair to do and that's what i wanted, something different than what I could or have been doing with my hair all these years. I don't really plan to use it all that much, but on special occasions it will be nice to have around. My sister took pictures of me wearing it this evening and she will be sending me the files and I will post pics as soon as I can.

Keep Smilin'
Hugs,
Wendy

A Good Day & Pictures!!

Hi Everyone,

Well this morning I showed Richard my hair, or lack of it and tonight I finally took my scarf off and let Rick see me.

This weekend I buzzed Richards hair, a normal little boy buzz. He later said he wants it all buzzed off. Well today as soon as I took off my scarf for him to see, he said "I want my hair just like yours mom"!!

So tonight we buzzed it short!! Earlier today I had Chelsea take some photos of me and then tonight she took some of me and Richard, both with our buzzed heads!!

I have to tell you, now that everyone in my house has seen my near bald head and I can walk around without anything on it . . . . I feel great!!! It's really kind of liberating. I really wish I had b*lls enough to go out in public like this . . . maybe someday . . . after I get it a little tanned!!

We had a lot of fun taking pictures. I was really goofing off and Chelsea was just laughing at me the whole time. Richard said . . . she's America's Next Top Model . . . . so here you go, my America's Next Top Model debut!!! he-he . . as long as we're having fun I guess that's all that matters.

I also went to a Breast Cancer Support Group meeting today and it was nice meeting other women, all going through different stages and levels of breast cancer.

I've been feeling really good for about a week now, I guess it's probably normal . . . to get feeling better just before the next chemo session. I see the oncologist tomorrow for my pre-chemo visit and then I have chemo on Wednesday. I changed it from Thursdays to Wednesdays.

Anyway, hope you enjoy the pictures!!

You can click on the photos for a larger view . . . . . if you dare!!!!

Hugs,
Keep Smilin'
Wendy

Hair Loss, Buzzers, Scarves & Wigs

Well, I have to say that I am a bit amazed at how quickly my hair was coming out. This morning it was getting pretty thin, I could even see my scalp in some places. I had to run errands and I put on my "Tough Enough to Wear Pink" ball cap. I gotta say that even with that on, the hair on my neck was pretty thin and not looking too good. I realized that I would not be able to go anywhere without a hat or something on. Later today it was even thinner and I realized it was still going to look bad even with a ball cap on.

So this evening I did what I've heard most women do at this point . . . . I buzzed my head!!!!!

As I stood in the shower washing my scalp and looking in the mirror I thought . . . every woman should experience this at least once in their lifetime.

Boy I have to tell you that this was quite the experience. I was handling it pretty well until I went outside and told Rick that I don't think I'll be leaving the f^()+#%%$$ house for a long time and then I started crying. He was a real sweetheart about it and gave me a big hug and said it's all going to be ok. I had a scarf on so he hasn't seen it yet and honestly I'm really worried and scared about him seeing it. I said that he doesn't know if he might freak a little when he actually sees it, but he said that he won't. Later he came in the bedroom where I was pouting, came over and gave me another hug and kiss and said we could get me an eye patch and I'd look like a pirate!! (because of the scarf I am wearing). I have to say that it did make me laugh, so it was a good thing. I'm still not to sure about leaving the house though!!

I've said many times that I think I'm more of a scarf & hat person than a wig person, but I may have to take that back. I was looking at wigs online last night and I was really surprised at how nice some of them looked. I could have a hair cut and style that my natural hair could never have done. I'm actually looking forward to the possibility of getting a really cool wig. But I also want to get good at putting on and wearing scarves. I found a great pattern today that has about 5 different scarf/hats to sew, they are perfect for what I'm needing.

It's going to be tough but plan to have Chelsea take some pictures of me this weekend. I might cover my face or put on sunglasses or ??, but want to be brave enough to post pictures on here of me as I go through this.

It's been a long day and I'm tired so I'm going to watch TV and hopefully go to sleep soon.
I hope you all have a great 4th of July!!!
Hugs,
Keep Smilin'
Wendy

Day 14---NOT GOOD--Losing my hair!!!

Hello Everyone, Well, I got out of the shower this morning as usual. Dried off, got dressed and proceeded to comb my hair. It seems like a few extra hairs were falling in the sink, but then I thought . . . oh, it's probably just my imagination. Getting ready to run errands and I told Chelsea that it seemed like more hair came out while combing it this morning. I then reached up and grabbed a section of hair and pulled and OH MY GOSH I just about died!!!!!!! There I stood with a hand full of hair!!! I looked at Chelsea and freaked a little. She grabbed my hand and took the hair and gave me a big hug. While running errands I kept grabbing more hair and more kept coming out. Hmmm, I wonder how long it will take to all be gone? Crap-o-la, it begins!!!! I don't like photos of my self, not at all, so it takes a lot for me to post them on here, but here is one taken 2 weeks ago, the day I got it cut again. I figure I'd post it then we'll all have something to compare it to in the future.
Keep Smilin'
Wendy