Chemo Sucks . . . yep, I said it!!

Well, it's definitely getting worse as time goes on. I had chemo 2 days ago, yesterday I got the nulasta shot, by yesterday afternoon I was in bed feeling pretty rough. I got up for dinner . . . wasn't hungry, but knew I had to eat something. Went back to bed and tried to rest. Before I knew it the emotions hit. First it starts with my brain going over every stressful, awful, emotional thing that has ever happened to me, well maybe not every thing . . that would put me over the edge for sure. So far I'm just close to the edge!!! Everything from feeling sorry for myself to being really pissed off!!! It's amazing how much tears and snot the body can produce!!! Where does it all come from?!?!?!?


No need to worry, I'm better today, but wanted to share some of this.

Last night the hot flashes and cold sweats hit really hard. It was so hard to get comfortable, hot and sweaty one minute, freezing the next. It's hard when all you want to do is go to SLEEP!!!

I can't imagine being any less of a strong and positive person and being able to get through these tough times.

I want to write more but there are so many thoughts and emotions going through my head, that as I type it, it doesn't make sense or sound right.



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It is now almost 8pm, I've been able to get some rest today, but it's been rough. The emotions hit me again really hard this afternoon. . . . wow, the body is an amazing and powerful force!!

Don't ever let anyone tell you this chemo stuff isn't too bad. I know they've come a million miles in the treatment and I couldn't imagine what it must have been like to go through this 15, 10 or even 5 years ago, but let me tell you it's still no walk in the park. It effects every aspect of your life and the lives of your family. And I know I have it much better than some, so I try not to complain too much, but I've got to get it out of my system and then I can be thankful for everything else.

OK, the chemo brain is kicking in and I'm loosing focus, so I better call it a night. Plus I don't want to say too much while I'm so emotional and feeling like crap . . . oh yeah, the nulasta shot has kicked in so now I have the body aches too.

But again, I'm not having a whole lot of other possible side effects, so I have to be and am very thankful for that . . . . very Thankful!!!! I'm so blessed in so many ways and I have to remember that and things could always be worse. And this to shall pass . . . . and this too shall pass.

I'm sorry if I don't make sense sometimes, I hope you will all try to understand. I thank you all so much for reading my blog and for your support!!!!

Keep Smilin'
Hugs,
Wendy

Pre-Chemo Yesterday-Chemo today

I had my pre-chemo visit with the doctor, or really with his nurse practitioner yesterday. The good news is that all my blood test came back really good. They even have a test that tells how much water your body has or something like that. She told me that my fluid intake has been really good and to keep it up. I just looked at her and smiled. I was a little confused because she made it sound like I was drinking a lot of water, I didn't bother to tell her that my main liquid consumption is COFFEE!!!!!

It was also good to know that my fatigue is being caused by the chemo and not because I'm anemic . . . my red and white blood cells are all looking really good. She reminded me and I'm glad she did, that on average chemo zaps 50% of your normal energy level. I then remebered reading and hearing about that, I just forgot and also didn't think it would hit so soon.

To better help me cope with all this I need to start thinking about it a little different. I'm a pretty positive person, but in certain situations one has to face reality and too much positive thinking can actually have a negative effect, especially when a positive result is statistically against you. So, instead of thinking and waiting for the next day to be better, and being bummed when it's not, I have to realize I'm going to have more "not so good days" and less "really good ones". So my mind set has got to be that most days will be "not so good" or "worse" and then when I do have the good days it will be a nice surprise and I can take advantage of it. The nurse did say that as hard as it may sound . . . . some exercise is really good for battling the fatigue.

She also looked at my hands and said I need to get a good intensive lotion for my hands and feet. She said that sometimes they can get so dry that they really hurt and she said I don't want that happening if possible. So I've got to get some good lotion and put it on 3 times a day!!! I have pretty dry skin to begin with and it doesn't get lotioned even once a day . . . I'm just not too good at that kind of thing . . . you know . . . taking care of ME, so 3 times a day will be a lot. Maybe I can get Chelsea and Richard to help, that would be nice and relaxing.

Ok, gotta go for chemo. I'll write more later or tomorrow.

Keep Smilin'
Hugs,
Wendy

The last few days have been tough one's

First, I don't get to many comments from readers on my blog, but I do get several e-mails from you all and I want to thank everyone for writing to me.


The last few days have been really tough. I wrote previously about what a good weekend I had last weekend and I did some yard work, etc. Well, Monday and Tuesday were OK, but it's been down hill ever since.


I guessing it's fatigue, but I'm not liking it. I was looking so forward to feeling good the week before my next treatment, like I did last time, but it's not happening this time. I wasn't expecting to feel like this so soon, if at all. I've been tired, depressed, emotional, tired, depressed, did I mention tired?!?!?

I hear that some people kind of breeze through all this and others don't. I just didn't think I would be one of the "don'ts"!!

I know the side effects can be different after each treatment, but I gotta tell ya, I can't imagine feeling like this for the next few months!!

On a good note . . . . we got the last of my hay today. I'm good to go for another year. Boy, that is such a relief, I just can't tell you how great it is to not have to worry about that. The last 2 weekends we had some helpers, but today it was just Rick, Chelsea and me. I didn't do much, I wanted to but Rick wouldn't let me and I probably couldn't have done a whole lot . . . except I did help put bales on the hay ladder toward the end when Rick and Chelsea were getting pretty wore out. That hay ladder is the best dang investment we've made . . . I just don't know how we would have done it without the hay ladder, especially with 100# bales, which is what we had today . . . . 80 of them!!!! I guess we just wouldn't have been able to do it, those puppies are HEAVY!!!!! I thank Rick and Chelsea so much for all the hard work they did for me and my horses!!

I hope you are all having a good weekend!!
Keep Smilin'
Hugs,
Wendy

I have a new website

Several years ago I was trying to come up with possible business names, for several different reasons. I have a bookkeeping business and I was thinking about starting a photography business and I wanted to start a horse/people rescue, etc., etc. I came up with one name . . . . The Equine Spirit and I purchased the domain for this . . . theequinespirit.com several years ago.


So for several years I had not come up with any good ideas to use this name for, but I had a feeling the day would come and when it did I'd already have the name picked out and the domain to go with it.


Well that time has come. The Equine Spirit . . . .http://www.theequinespirit.com/ is my new website. This new site is not really about my photography business, but instead it's about selling photo products with my images on them and donating a percentage of the sales to breast cancer research. What I have done with this website so far is just the beginnng . . . I'm not sure where it will end up going but I'm looking forward to it.

So check it out if you get a chance and let me know what you think of it.

I had a really good day today. I was feeling great and got some yard work done and it felt so good to be able to do this!!! I should, for the most part, feel pretty good until after my next chemo treatment which is scheduled for July 30th.

I hope you all had a good weekend.
Keep Smilin'
Hugs,
Wendy

Coffee starting to taste like . . .Coffee . . .it's a sign!!!!!

I have great news!!!!! This morning my coffee is starting to taste like, well like COFFEE!!!!!!! This really is good news and I see it as a sign that I am getting better.

For the last week I've been drinking coffee but it doesn't taste like coffee . . . . it doesn't really taste like anything. It's frustrating because I keep craving a good cup of coffee and although I'm drinking it, it has not been satisfying that craving!!!

So I think within a couple of days coffee and food will really start tasting like it should. Some people say that food has a real metal or metallic taste after chemo. I have not experienced that kind of taste, my food and drink just doesn't have much taste to it of any kind!!

I'm sure it doesn't help that my mouth gets really messed up after chemo. At first it gets kind of a numb feeling to it and after a few days I start to get little sores on my tongue and the inside of my lips get a little raw. Then I start to get the white patches (thrush) and that's why I have special medicated lozenges that I have to suck on. Now that I know this will probably happen after each chemo I will start the lozenges a couple days sooner next time so hopefully it won't get as bad. I'm lucky it doesn't get so bad that I can't eat or drink because it sounds like it can get that bad for some people.

Ok, it's a little chilly in the house this morning. I'm going to get another cup of "almost taste like coffee" coffee and go sit outside in the sun!!!!!! I haven't been able to tan my head yet, maybe I should start on that today!!

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.
Keep Smilin'
Hugs,
Wendy

You would think . . . . but noooooo . . . . . .

Wouldn't it just make sense that a person would/should feel progressively better each day after having chemo? Well, I guess it just doesn't work that way. Plus I think I'm just a little impatient, just a little!! Today is only one week since I had treatment, but sometimes it feels like forever.

I feel better than I did last weekend, but I still feel "not so good" and when I don't wake up feeling better than I did the day before . . . . I wonder why.

I think what I might be feeling today is fatigue. I've read where fatigue is different from just being tired or sleepy. I don't like it though. One minute I will feel ok and the next minute I can't find a chair quick enough to sit down in. I was going to go to the neighbors house tonight to talk to them with Rick about putting up a barn. Just before leaving my stomach started not feeling good, so I stayed home, afraid to venture to far from the bathroom, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, yes I'm complaining, sorry. Just feeling a little low today. I suppose that is to be expected and I'm real glad it doesn't happen too often.

I've been thinking a lot about my photography and what I'm going to do with it. I think I'm going to do things different when I start up the business again. I also think I'm supposed to use my journey with cancer in some way with my photography and part of the proceeds will be donated to a cancer organization. I'm not sure what or how yet, it hasn't quite come to me, but I can totally feel it's out there just waiting for the right time to reveal itself.

Hmmmm, ok, I will leave you with my favorite quote regarding photography . . . .

"No matter how slow the film, Spirit always stands still long enough for the photographer It has chosen" . . by Minor White

Keep Smilin'
Hugs,
Wendy

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

It's almost 5am and I've had some trouble sleeping tonight. Just got up and had coffee with Rick before he left, checking e-mail and then hope to go to bed and get some sleep.

Feeling a little bit better than I did over the weekend, but still a little weak and shaky. My stomach has been giving me some problems too. Just a little nausea, but some gas & pains and a little diarrhea. My mouth is hurting again with sores and thrush, so yesterday I started taking the lozenges they prescribed for this. Next time I'll start the lozenges sooner and try to avoid it getting this bad. Like last time food doesn't have much taste to it and my coffee taste like . . . . well it doesn't taste like coffee!!!!!!!!!!

I had a business appointment yesterday and wore my wig for the "official" first time. It was great and because I was so focused on what the meeting was about I even forgot that I was wearing a wig!! Of course as soon as I got home the sucker came off, but it worked out really well.

Getting sleepy so maybe I'll try to go back to bed now.
Hope everyone is doing well.
Keep Smilin'
Hugs,
Wendy