Wouldn't it just make sense that a person would/should feel progressively better each day after having chemo? Well, I guess it just doesn't work that way. Plus I think I'm just a little impatient, just a little!! Today is only one week since I had treatment, but sometimes it feels like forever.
I feel better than I did last weekend, but I still feel "not so good" and when I don't wake up feeling better than I did the day before . . . . I wonder why.
I think what I might be feeling today is fatigue. I've read where fatigue is different from just being tired or sleepy. I don't like it though. One minute I will feel ok and the next minute I can't find a chair quick enough to sit down in. I was going to go to the neighbors house tonight to talk to them with Rick about putting up a barn. Just before leaving my stomach started not feeling good, so I stayed home, afraid to venture to far from the bathroom, if you know what I mean.
Anyway, yes I'm complaining, sorry. Just feeling a little low today. I suppose that is to be expected and I'm real glad it doesn't happen too often.
I've been thinking a lot about my photography and what I'm going to do with it. I think I'm going to do things different when I start up the business again. I also think I'm supposed to use my journey with cancer in some way with my photography and part of the proceeds will be donated to a cancer organization. I'm not sure what or how yet, it hasn't quite come to me, but I can totally feel it's out there just waiting for the right time to reveal itself.
Hmmmm, ok, I will leave you with my favorite quote regarding photography . . . .
"No matter how slow the film, Spirit always stands still long enough for the photographer It has chosen" . . by Minor White
Keep Smilin'
Hugs,
Wendy
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
It's almost 5am and I've had some trouble sleeping tonight. Just got up and had coffee with Rick before he left, checking e-mail and then hope to go to bed and get some sleep.
Feeling a little bit better than I did over the weekend, but still a little weak and shaky. My stomach has been giving me some problems too. Just a little nausea, but some gas & pains and a little diarrhea. My mouth is hurting again with sores and thrush, so yesterday I started taking the lozenges they prescribed for this. Next time I'll start the lozenges sooner and try to avoid it getting this bad. Like last time food doesn't have much taste to it and my coffee taste like . . . . well it doesn't taste like coffee!!!!!!!!!!
I had a business appointment yesterday and wore my wig for the "official" first time. It was great and because I was so focused on what the meeting was about I even forgot that I was wearing a wig!! Of course as soon as I got home the sucker came off, but it worked out really well.
Getting sleepy so maybe I'll try to go back to bed now.
Hope everyone is doing well.
Keep Smilin'
Hugs,
Wendy
Feeling a little bit better than I did over the weekend, but still a little weak and shaky. My stomach has been giving me some problems too. Just a little nausea, but some gas & pains and a little diarrhea. My mouth is hurting again with sores and thrush, so yesterday I started taking the lozenges they prescribed for this. Next time I'll start the lozenges sooner and try to avoid it getting this bad. Like last time food doesn't have much taste to it and my coffee taste like . . . . well it doesn't taste like coffee!!!!!!!!!!
I had a business appointment yesterday and wore my wig for the "official" first time. It was great and because I was so focused on what the meeting was about I even forgot that I was wearing a wig!! Of course as soon as I got home the sucker came off, but it worked out really well.
Getting sleepy so maybe I'll try to go back to bed now.
Hope everyone is doing well.
Keep Smilin'
Hugs,
Wendy
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Saturday, July 12, 2008
2nd treatment down, 4 to go!! I had treatment on Wednesday this week. I forgot how emotional I get after the chemo treatments. It starts the day after treatment and only last a couple of days, thank goodness. Thursday and Friday I could have and did cry about everything, even if it didn't need cried about!! Today is a little better, although thinking about it all makes me want to cry again!! The body aches, from the shot, started yesterday evening and I'm feeling pretty rough today. But I can only lay in bed for soooooo long without going crazy so I thought I'd write a little here today. I just took some pain meds so hopefully I'll be able to take a nap in a little bit. It's so beautiful outside and so much I'd like to be doing in the yard . . . . uggghhhh, "this is only temporary, this is only temporary, this is only temporary"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
For the most part I'm being very positive about all of this. I go through the days and just don't think too much about it, it's just the way it is right now. Then, especially after treatment, I "think" about it. Last night was a little hard as I got pretty emotional, but not as bad as last time. I sat in bed and really thought about what I'm going through. Thank goodness I don't do this often, but I'm sure it wouldn't be normal if I didn't think about these things. Luckily I'm too busy most of the time to "think" about it all, but not after chemo, 'cuz, there's not much else I can do!! I have breast cancer. I have breast cancer. I really, really have breast cancer!!!!! WOW, sometimes it's still hard for me to totally realize this. I've had 2 operations, I'm missing almost 1/2 of my right breast, I've lost my hair, I'm going through chemo, I'm going through chemo, then I'll go through radiation. Then who knows what?!?!?!?! Do not get me wrong . . . . I am NOT complaining . . . I'm just stating the facts. Facts that I have a hard time believing sometimes. Remember, this stuff happens to other people, not to "me" or "you", right??? Wrong . . . now I'm "other people"!!!! and sometimes this just hits me harder than other times.
But the minute I think I might be complaining I've got to counter it, because I am so Blessed in so many ways. It could be much worse . . . . and I am fully aware that there are so many out there that have it much, much worse than me. Just thinking about this makes me cry. A couple of weeks ago I was outside the grocery store and I passed a man in a wheelchair that had no legs. I moved over so he could get by and he said "thank you". I just wanted to grab him and hug him and ball my eyes out. I sit here now crying as I think about this. Yep, I'm just a LITTLE emotional today!! One thing I struggle with in all of this is how it effects my family members. I sometimes feel bad that they have to go through this with me. Again, I am so fortunate and blessed that I have such a wonderful, supportive family. My mom, my sister, my brother, my nieces, my aunt, my kids, my hubby, my friends, anyone reading this . . . . . everyone!!!!!!!!!!
It's that time of year to get hay for the horses. My hubby Rick is NOT a horse person and he doesn't quite understand that I don't ride my horses, but he totally supports me in having them. Yesterday he went and got 4 ton of hay for me. This is only part of what I need, so we'll do this a couple more times, but 4 ton is all that will fit in his dump truck. Yep, he gets my hay in his dump truck!! Bet you don't see too many dump trucks around hauling hay!!!!!!! Anyway, these bales are 95 pounds each and 4 ton equals 86 of them!!!! My daughter Chelsea and her friend Arika and the neighbor boy helped Rick get all this stacked in the barn for me. For me, for me, for me!!!! It was really hard for me because all I could do, well, all Rick would let me do is "supervise" and count the bales. Mom, if you read this, put your slipper away, I didn't do any work!!! (I love you)!!!!
Well, Chemo Brain, as they call it, just kicked in. I have gone totally blank on what I was thinking and writing about!!!! The pain meds are kicking in too so that doesn't help. I just can't say enough about how Blessed I really am. God is amazing and He has a plan and just knowing that makes things a lot easier to deal with. I'm giving you all a "virtual" group hug . . . . I love you and thank you for reading and commenting on my blog!!!!! I'll leave you know with a picture of me in my new wig.
Keep Smilin'
Love and Hugs,
Wendy
For the most part I'm being very positive about all of this. I go through the days and just don't think too much about it, it's just the way it is right now. Then, especially after treatment, I "think" about it. Last night was a little hard as I got pretty emotional, but not as bad as last time. I sat in bed and really thought about what I'm going through. Thank goodness I don't do this often, but I'm sure it wouldn't be normal if I didn't think about these things. Luckily I'm too busy most of the time to "think" about it all, but not after chemo, 'cuz, there's not much else I can do!! I have breast cancer. I have breast cancer. I really, really have breast cancer!!!!! WOW, sometimes it's still hard for me to totally realize this. I've had 2 operations, I'm missing almost 1/2 of my right breast, I've lost my hair, I'm going through chemo, I'm going through chemo, then I'll go through radiation. Then who knows what?!?!?!?! Do not get me wrong . . . . I am NOT complaining . . . I'm just stating the facts. Facts that I have a hard time believing sometimes. Remember, this stuff happens to other people, not to "me" or "you", right??? Wrong . . . now I'm "other people"!!!! and sometimes this just hits me harder than other times.
But the minute I think I might be complaining I've got to counter it, because I am so Blessed in so many ways. It could be much worse . . . . and I am fully aware that there are so many out there that have it much, much worse than me. Just thinking about this makes me cry. A couple of weeks ago I was outside the grocery store and I passed a man in a wheelchair that had no legs. I moved over so he could get by and he said "thank you". I just wanted to grab him and hug him and ball my eyes out. I sit here now crying as I think about this. Yep, I'm just a LITTLE emotional today!! One thing I struggle with in all of this is how it effects my family members. I sometimes feel bad that they have to go through this with me. Again, I am so fortunate and blessed that I have such a wonderful, supportive family. My mom, my sister, my brother, my nieces, my aunt, my kids, my hubby, my friends, anyone reading this . . . . . everyone!!!!!!!!!!
It's that time of year to get hay for the horses. My hubby Rick is NOT a horse person and he doesn't quite understand that I don't ride my horses, but he totally supports me in having them. Yesterday he went and got 4 ton of hay for me. This is only part of what I need, so we'll do this a couple more times, but 4 ton is all that will fit in his dump truck. Yep, he gets my hay in his dump truck!! Bet you don't see too many dump trucks around hauling hay!!!!!!! Anyway, these bales are 95 pounds each and 4 ton equals 86 of them!!!! My daughter Chelsea and her friend Arika and the neighbor boy helped Rick get all this stacked in the barn for me. For me, for me, for me!!!! It was really hard for me because all I could do, well, all Rick would let me do is "supervise" and count the bales. Mom, if you read this, put your slipper away, I didn't do any work!!! (I love you)!!!!
Well, Chemo Brain, as they call it, just kicked in. I have gone totally blank on what I was thinking and writing about!!!! The pain meds are kicking in too so that doesn't help. I just can't say enough about how Blessed I really am. God is amazing and He has a plan and just knowing that makes things a lot easier to deal with. I'm giving you all a "virtual" group hug . . . . I love you and thank you for reading and commenting on my blog!!!!! I'll leave you know with a picture of me in my new wig.
Keep Smilin'Love and Hugs,
Wendy
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Tuesday-July 8th
I had my pre-chemo visit with oncologist today. He really is a nice man and that really helps A LOT!!
My blood test all look good and I'm a go for my chemo treatment tomorrow. I may have mentioned this before, but they do blood test before every treatment to make sure everything looks ok. If my white blood cell count was way low or other things, they may postpone treatment, which just prolongs things and I hope I don't have to ever worry about that. They have lots of safety measures to make sure your body is handling things ok, or at least as ok as they can be while on chemo!!
He is going to lower my Nulasta shot from 6 to 2 (milligrams or whatever they use to measure it) . That's the shot that kicked my butt last time and gave me sever bone and body pain. Also my white blood cell count is still like almost 20,000 times more than it should be, so I shouldn't need so much of the shot and that means I hopefully won't feel so much pain from it. The shot causes my body to produce more white blood cells. Because I produced sooooo much from the shot and it builds up in the bones, that's what causes the pain.
I had to start my anti-nausea drugs today. I take 2 twice a day the day before, day of and day after chemo. They also give me some in my IV before the chemo drugs. The only issue I have with this drug is that it contains steroids and can make it difficult for you to sleep. I already have problems with falling asleep at night. I was doing well for a while but have slowly gone back to being a bit of a night owl and since starting chemo and especially with some of these drugs it's made it worse. I told the doc that sometimes the sun is coming up before I fall asleep!! So here it is 1:37 am and although I'm feeling a little tired and my back is hurting, I haven't even tried to go to bed yet. Maybe I will after I'm done with this.
I have some sleeping pills the surgeon gave me but I haven't taken them for a while. I seem to be taking so many pills these days and I wanted to make sure it was ok with my oncologist that I take these. He said that yes, I could take them, but I forgot tonight and it's way too late to take one now. I've got to get up for chemo in the morning!!
Ok, I've got to go. But I have to tell you . . . I found and bought a wig today. It's amazing how real the wigs look now a days. I absolutely love this thing. It's a style that I'd never be able to get my hair to do and that's what i wanted, something different than what I could or have been doing with my hair all these years. I don't really plan to use it all that much, but on special occasions it will be nice to have around. My sister took pictures of me wearing it this evening and she will be sending me the files and I will post pics as soon as I can.
Keep Smilin'
Hugs,
Wendy
My blood test all look good and I'm a go for my chemo treatment tomorrow. I may have mentioned this before, but they do blood test before every treatment to make sure everything looks ok. If my white blood cell count was way low or other things, they may postpone treatment, which just prolongs things and I hope I don't have to ever worry about that. They have lots of safety measures to make sure your body is handling things ok, or at least as ok as they can be while on chemo!!
He is going to lower my Nulasta shot from 6 to 2 (milligrams or whatever they use to measure it) . That's the shot that kicked my butt last time and gave me sever bone and body pain. Also my white blood cell count is still like almost 20,000 times more than it should be, so I shouldn't need so much of the shot and that means I hopefully won't feel so much pain from it. The shot causes my body to produce more white blood cells. Because I produced sooooo much from the shot and it builds up in the bones, that's what causes the pain.
I had to start my anti-nausea drugs today. I take 2 twice a day the day before, day of and day after chemo. They also give me some in my IV before the chemo drugs. The only issue I have with this drug is that it contains steroids and can make it difficult for you to sleep. I already have problems with falling asleep at night. I was doing well for a while but have slowly gone back to being a bit of a night owl and since starting chemo and especially with some of these drugs it's made it worse. I told the doc that sometimes the sun is coming up before I fall asleep!! So here it is 1:37 am and although I'm feeling a little tired and my back is hurting, I haven't even tried to go to bed yet. Maybe I will after I'm done with this.
I have some sleeping pills the surgeon gave me but I haven't taken them for a while. I seem to be taking so many pills these days and I wanted to make sure it was ok with my oncologist that I take these. He said that yes, I could take them, but I forgot tonight and it's way too late to take one now. I've got to get up for chemo in the morning!!
Ok, I've got to go. But I have to tell you . . . I found and bought a wig today. It's amazing how real the wigs look now a days. I absolutely love this thing. It's a style that I'd never be able to get my hair to do and that's what i wanted, something different than what I could or have been doing with my hair all these years. I don't really plan to use it all that much, but on special occasions it will be nice to have around. My sister took pictures of me wearing it this evening and she will be sending me the files and I will post pics as soon as I can.
Keep Smilin'
Hugs,
Wendy
Monday, July 7, 2008
A Good Day & Pictures!!
Hi Everyone,
Well this morning I showed Richard my hair, or lack of it and tonight I finally took my scarf off and let Rick see me.
This weekend I buzzed Richards hair, a normal little boy buzz. He later said he wants it all buzzed off. Well today as soon as I took off my scarf for him to see, he said "I want my hair just like yours mom"!!
So tonight we buzzed it short!! Earlier today I had Chelsea take some photos of me and then tonight she took some of me and Richard, both with our buzzed heads!!
I have to tell you, now that everyone in my house has seen my near bald head and I can walk around without anything on it . . . . I feel great!!! It's really kind of liberating. I really wish I had b*lls enough to go out in public like this . . . maybe someday . . . after I get it a little tanned!!
We had a lot of fun taking pictures. I was really goofing off and Chelsea was just laughing at me the whole time. Richard said . . . she's America's Next Top Model . . . . so here you go, my America's Next Top Model debut!!! he-he . . as long as we're having fun I guess that's all that matters.
I also went to a Breast Cancer Support Group meeting today and it was nice meeting other women, all going through different stages and levels of breast cancer.
I've been feeling really good for about a week now, I guess it's probably normal . . . to get feeling better just before the next chemo session. I see the oncologist tomorrow for my pre-chemo visit and then I have chemo on Wednesday. I changed it from Thursdays to Wednesdays.
Anyway, hope you enjoy the pictures!!
You can click on the photos for a larger view . . . . . if you dare!!!!
Hugs,
Keep Smilin'
Wendy
Well this morning I showed Richard my hair, or lack of it and tonight I finally took my scarf off and let Rick see me.
This weekend I buzzed Richards hair, a normal little boy buzz. He later said he wants it all buzzed off. Well today as soon as I took off my scarf for him to see, he said "I want my hair just like yours mom"!!
So tonight we buzzed it short!! Earlier today I had Chelsea take some photos of me and then tonight she took some of me and Richard, both with our buzzed heads!!
I have to tell you, now that everyone in my house has seen my near bald head and I can walk around without anything on it . . . . I feel great!!! It's really kind of liberating. I really wish I had b*lls enough to go out in public like this . . . maybe someday . . . after I get it a little tanned!!
We had a lot of fun taking pictures. I was really goofing off and Chelsea was just laughing at me the whole time. Richard said . . . she's America's Next Top Model . . . . so here you go, my America's Next Top Model debut!!! he-he . . as long as we're having fun I guess that's all that matters.
I also went to a Breast Cancer Support Group meeting today and it was nice meeting other women, all going through different stages and levels of breast cancer.
I've been feeling really good for about a week now, I guess it's probably normal . . . to get feeling better just before the next chemo session. I see the oncologist tomorrow for my pre-chemo visit and then I have chemo on Wednesday. I changed it from Thursdays to Wednesdays.
Anyway, hope you enjoy the pictures!!
You can click on the photos for a larger view . . . . . if you dare!!!!Keep Smilin'
Wendy
Friday, July 4, 2008
Hair Loss, Buzzers, Scarves & Wigs
Well, I have to say that I am a bit amazed at how quickly my hair was coming out. This morning it was getting pretty thin, I could even see my scalp in some places. I had to run errands and I put on my "Tough Enough to Wear Pink" ball cap. I gotta say that even with that on, the hair on my neck was pretty thin and not looking too good. I realized that I would not be able to go anywhere without a hat or something on. Later today it was even thinner and I realized it was still going to look bad even with a ball cap on.
So this evening I did what I've heard most women do at this point . . . . I buzzed my head!!!!!
As I stood in the shower washing my scalp and looking in the mirror I thought . . . every woman should experience this at least once in their lifetime.
Boy I have to tell you that this was quite the experience. I was handling it pretty well until I went outside and told Rick that I don't think I'll be leaving the f^()+#%%$$ house for a long time and then I started crying. He was a real sweetheart about it and gave me a big hug and said it's all going to be ok. I had a scarf on so he hasn't seen it yet and honestly I'm really worried and scared about him seeing it. I said that he doesn't know if he might freak a little when he actually sees it, but he said that he won't. Later he came in the bedroom where I was pouting, came over and gave me another hug and kiss and said we could get me an eye patch and I'd look like a pirate!! (because of the scarf I am wearing). I have to say that it did make me laugh, so it was a good thing. I'm still not to sure about leaving the house though!!
I've said many times that I think I'm more of a scarf & hat person than a wig person, but I may have to take that back. I was looking at wigs online last night and I was really surprised at how nice some of them looked. I could have a hair cut and style that my natural hair could never have done. I'm actually looking forward to the possibility of getting a really cool wig. But I also want to get good at putting on and wearing scarves. I found a great pattern today that has about 5 different scarf/hats to sew, they are perfect for what I'm needing.
It's going to be tough but plan to have Chelsea take some pictures of me this weekend. I might cover my face or put on sunglasses or ??, but want to be brave enough to post pictures on here of me as I go through this.
It's been a long day and I'm tired so I'm going to watch TV and hopefully go to sleep soon.
I hope you all have a great 4th of July!!!
Hugs,
Keep Smilin'
Wendy
So this evening I did what I've heard most women do at this point . . . . I buzzed my head!!!!!
As I stood in the shower washing my scalp and looking in the mirror I thought . . . every woman should experience this at least once in their lifetime.
Boy I have to tell you that this was quite the experience. I was handling it pretty well until I went outside and told Rick that I don't think I'll be leaving the f^()+#%%$$ house for a long time and then I started crying. He was a real sweetheart about it and gave me a big hug and said it's all going to be ok. I had a scarf on so he hasn't seen it yet and honestly I'm really worried and scared about him seeing it. I said that he doesn't know if he might freak a little when he actually sees it, but he said that he won't. Later he came in the bedroom where I was pouting, came over and gave me another hug and kiss and said we could get me an eye patch and I'd look like a pirate!! (because of the scarf I am wearing). I have to say that it did make me laugh, so it was a good thing. I'm still not to sure about leaving the house though!!
I've said many times that I think I'm more of a scarf & hat person than a wig person, but I may have to take that back. I was looking at wigs online last night and I was really surprised at how nice some of them looked. I could have a hair cut and style that my natural hair could never have done. I'm actually looking forward to the possibility of getting a really cool wig. But I also want to get good at putting on and wearing scarves. I found a great pattern today that has about 5 different scarf/hats to sew, they are perfect for what I'm needing.
It's going to be tough but plan to have Chelsea take some pictures of me this weekend. I might cover my face or put on sunglasses or ??, but want to be brave enough to post pictures on here of me as I go through this.
It's been a long day and I'm tired so I'm going to watch TV and hopefully go to sleep soon.
I hope you all have a great 4th of July!!!
Hugs,
Keep Smilin'
Wendy
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Day 14---NOT GOOD--Losing my hair!!!
Hello Everyone, Well, I got out of the shower this morning as usual. Dried off, got dressed and proceeded to comb my hair. It seems like a few extra hairs were falling in the sink, but then I thought . . . oh, it's probably just my imagination. Getting ready to run errands and I told Chelsea that it seemed like more hair came out while combing it this morning. I then reached up and grabbed a section of hair and pulled and OH MY GOSH I just about died!!!!!!! There I stood with a hand full of hair!!! I looked at Chelsea and freaked a little. She grabbed my hand and took the hair and gave me a big hug. While running errands I kept grabbing more hair and more kept coming out. Hmmm, I wonder how long it will take to all be gone? Crap-o-la, it begins!!!! I don't like photos of my self, not at all, so it takes a lot for me to post them on here, but here is one taken 2 weeks ago, the day I got it cut again. I figure I'd post it then we'll all have something to compare it to in the future.
Keep Smilin'
Wendy
Keep Smilin'Wendy
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
