Blood Test, etc

Hi Everyone,
I had a follow-up visit with the nurse today to see how I was doing after my first chemo treatment. Although I had several of the side effects and did not have some others, the good news is that my blood test came back great!! Nothing is low and some things are actually high.
Because the blood test results are so good, the nurse is going to talk to the doctor about lowering my dose of Nulasta. This is the shot I get the day after chemo to help my body produce white blood cells. Well, this is also the shot that caused me to feel like I'd been run over by a train, body aches, etc. So if they can lower that dose maybe I won't hurt so much the next time.

I'm still very tender when touched. Not much more I can do about it, taking pain pills etc., but I'm wondering how long this will continue?!?!?!?!

Boy, I am very sleepy tonight, so I'll take a shower and get to bed. Here's some images I took of Trouble yesterday.

Keep Smilin'
Wendy

Friday & Saturday

Hi All,
Some very dear friends from Colorado came to town on Thursday!! Got to visit with them for a few hours and then on Friday morning I met them for breakfast. They were going to check out the downtown area & boardwalk and then start their way back home to Colorado.

Wes & Carolyn . . . it was totally wonderful to see you guys. I'm so glad you were finally able to make it up to my neck of the woods!!!! Now the Coeur d'Alene you've always heard about is no longer a mystery.

I felt pretty good on Friday. After breakfast I messed around and then took a little rest. After dinner I went outside and worked on a pile of old hay & twine from the winter. I started raking it up and got some of it burned. I'm trying to get the little pasture out front cleaned up and looking nice . . . . it may take me a while, ha, a long while!! Anyway, it felt good to accomplish something although it wasn't much . . . . but I was pretty tired afterward. Today coffee & food tasted better than it has since I had treatment!!

Today (Saturday) . . . I'm feeling, well, not as good as yesterday. I woke up early 7am and went outside and had coffee and totally enjoyed the morning. Then my stomach started acting up on me. I had to take some Imodium AD (for diarrhea) oh joy, now I'm at the other end of that spectrum!! My skin is starting to hurt me again. It's not too bad right now, but I wonder if it will get bad again like it was last week. I had a little nap this afternoon and Rick and I might go get something to eat . . . . I hope my stomach holds out!!

Rick got my hay elevator working this morning . . . yippee!! We are going to have to start getting hay soon. I never look forward to hay season, but this year is worse since I'm going through this crap. Hopefully I'll be able to find a couple of young, strong bodies to help with it all. Between my chemo and his bad back, well, we are kind of a mess. And to top it off, the poor guy, his knee is hurting him real bad and now it's swollen with fluid. He will be able to see the doctor on Monday.

Well, that's all for now. Hope you are all doing well.
Keep Smilin'
Hugs,
Wendy

Wednesday - June 25th

Well today has been interesting. First, Chelsea got her drivers license yesterday . . . yippie!! She went out after dinner for her first solo drive. She went to visit a friend and stop by the store for a few things . . . . she even got home a little early!! We didn't give her enough money for the stuff she was getting so she had to use some of her own and she also put some gas in the car, $10.00 worth. Between what she spent at the store and on gas, boy was that a big deal to her. I was going to pay her back the 5.00 she spent at the store and then talked to her about the money I spent on her written and driven test, her permit and her drivers license . . . she decided 5 bucks wasn't a big deal after all.
It has occurred to me and I shared this a little with Chelsea today, that I think this summer is going to be an amazing one for the whole family and for Chelsea as an individual. Although this summer will be nothing like any of us thought due to my having cancer, I think that now it's going to be even better and be much more of a learning experience for all of us. I believe that will include a whole lot of growing, bonding, appreciation, love and other life skills for us all. I think that due to her age and that she'll be 18 in one year and can't wait to move out on her own, that this summer and all that she learns and experiences will be huge for her. I think and hope it will help her to have a little better sense of herself and of the world around us. She will experience a lot of things that she otherwise may not have experienced until she actually moves out. So I'm hoping that will put her one more step ahead of the game when the time comes. She has a very good head on her shoulders and she's a smart girl, but we older folks know that turning 18 and moving out on our own is not all that it's cracked up to be. Lots of stuff happens that we just didn't figure out on paper. I believe that after this summer and the rest of the year for that matter, that Chelsea will be much better prepared for the "real world" than she would have been if all this wasn't happening to us.
Happening to "us" . . . that's another thing I think about often. Although I'm the one with breast cancer, it's not just happening to me, it's happening to my family, my immediate family, as well as my extended family, in which I include my close friends. It's happening to "us". There are times when I feel bad about this . . . bad that what I'm going through is effecting the lives of those I love. This isn't going to be easy for me and it's not going to be easy for them either!! I try to tell them all the time how much I love them and appreciate all that they are doing to help me. I never want them to be over looked or left out as major components in my battle with cancer. I do tell them and hope they really know how much I love and appreciate them. I thank God for them everyday!!

Well, that was not at all what I started out to write, but I guess that's what I needed to write. So here's an update on me. GREAT news is that my "system" got cleaned out this morning and is no longer backed up. It all went very smooth and pretty much normal, thank goodness!!
I'm feeling weird today. I've got some pain coming from what I would call my "core". It seems to be in my lower back, pelvic region and radiates out from there. Sometimes when I sit down the pain pulses with my heartbeat for a few seconds and then goes away. This is a dull, but strong ache, not sharp or piercing. I thought that I would feel better today than I do, but that is not the case. No matter, I still feel better than I did a few days ago and I'm sure I will continue to improve, just not at the pace that I would like. I did call the nurse and she got me some medicine for my mouth, that is hurting me pretty good. I've got an infection in there, which is a possible side effect and now have some lozenges I have to suck on 4 times a day. My desk is starting to look like a small pharmaceutical supply depot!!!

Keep Smilin'
Hugs,
Wendy

Feeling Better Today - Tuesday

Boy, oh boy, oh boy . . . . thank goodness I am feeling 1/2 human again this morning. I don't know if it's timing, the new meds or a combo, but I can touch my skin and my body doesn't hurt much this morning.
Woke up early, just before 5am and got to see Rick before he left for work. That doesn't happen often, so it's nice when it does. Who knows, maybe I'll become an early bird through this process, but then again maybe NOT!!
I still have not gone "potty" yet, if you get my drift. Yes Marriah, I'm doing, eating, taking everything they are suggesting, thank you sweetie!!
It's kind of sad and funny, or not, that it becomes a big deal whether or not I have a bowel movement . . . I'm sure it's a part of getting older too, but the chemo and the pain pills just make it worse. I'm also trying to be careful not to over do it on the fruit, laxatives, etc., because I don't want to end up with a major eruption and spend days on the throne!! he-he . . . yep, trying to keep the humor!!

I'm going to go back to bed in a little bit and get some more sleep. A little later I want to take Chelsea to town so she can take her written drivers test and hopefully get her license. She took the actual driving test on Saturday and passed with flying colors. Part of me is so glad that she'll have her license, especially now that I have cancer and will need her help more than before, BUT another part of me is scared to death about her being out on the roads. She is a good driver and like I try to tell her . . . it's not her I'm worried about doing something wrong, it's all the other crazy people out there who don't pay attention and don't know what they are doing half the time. The timing of her getting her license and me having cancer treatment couldn't be more perfect, but then again, God does amazing things now doesn't He!!!!

My tongue is really sore this morning. Yesterday food didn't taste like food. It didn't taste like anything really. Chelsea made me some cinnamon toast and it smelled and looked so good but I was bummed when I ate it 'cuz, I couldn't really taste it . . only if a piece of cinnamon hit the edge of my tongue. Dinner was the same way, we had bacon and it looked and smelled so good, but not taste!! And the worst thing of all and those who know me know this is HUGE . . . my coffee, what I can taste of it, does not taste very good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Again, I try to find the positive in this . . . I drink way too much coffee, so with not feeling good and it not tasting really good, I have and probably will continue to cut way down on the amount I drink.

I'm starting to rattle on so just one more thing. I was taking a shower last night and washing my hair. Which by the way I got cut really short last week and will post another photo soon, before it's gone. But anyway, I was washing my hair and had a moment of panic when I realized that one of these days I'll be washing it and a lot more than just shampoo is going to rinse out of it.

It's 6:05am and I'm going to go back to bed for a bit. It's going to be a gorgeous day today and I'd like to be able to enjoy it a little. Oh, maybe I can see if Rick can find and hang up the hammock for me. That sounds so nice!!!

I hope you all have a great day.
Keep Smilin'
Wendy

Sunday-3 days later

I can remember when I was in labor with my 4th baby . . . Chelsea Ann. I was probably within an hour of having her when I said to everyone "I really don't want to be doing this". . . . or something to that effect. I just remember that I felt and said it so seriously, like it would make it all stop. Yeah, right!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I woke up this morning and was thinking . . . . I really don't want to be doing this . . . . .

I feel like I've been in a train wreck. Every part of my body from my knees up hurts. It gets worse as you go up, meaning I can barley touch my face. This actually started yesterday, but has gotten worse.
I called the doctor just to make sure I wasn't going to die and to hopefully find out this is normal. He said it's ok and that I need to take tylenol, etc. for the pain. Well yesterday & last night the tylenol, ibuprophen and other pain pills I have from my surgery didn't help much. I'll see how they work this morning.

I'm also getting a little worried about possible constipation. I've been trying to eat and drink everything that I need to help in this department, but I'm going to have my hubby pick me up something at the store, just in case. I also have a recipe from the cancer center to make up a bulk laxative concoction, that I may have to consider if this continues to be a problem.

I don't want to scare anyone who may face this now or in the future, by writing about my symptoms. Please remember that one thing they really stress is that everyone is very different and can react a million different ways to chemo. The pain I'm feeling today is not pleasant, but it's very tolerable. And honestly if I had to choose side effects I'd take this over vomiting and/or diarrhea any day!!

Well, I think I'll try to get comfy and rest for a little while, hopefully the pain meds will kick in or maybe I'll fall asleep, or maybe both!!

Keep Smilin'
Hugs,
Wendy

June 20th, the day after

Hello there,
Well, I'm doing pretty good today. A little tired, but that's probably more from the stress & anxiety of everything. I've been keeping up on my anti-nausea drugs, and so far nothing in that department. I'm being positive, but not holding my breathe, as they say it doesn't usually hit for a couple of days, but every one is different.

I had to go get the white blood cell shot today. It was not bad at all, not even as bad a getting blood drawn. They did give it to me right in the belly, just to the right of my belly button, where I have a little extra substance (fat) to poke!! They say the body absorbs it better by giving it in the stomach. She said I could get sore joints from this shot, but to take Tylenol or one of my pain pills if needed.

Last night my fingers and toes swelled up a little bit, but not much. Today my tongue has felt a little numb, just a little.
Tonight my back is hurting a bit. I think I'll get comfy and watch some TV.

I will probably do as much of a day by day journaling of my experience as possible. . . ups, downs, aches, pains, bad and good things, as I go through this. Several reasons that I want to do this and why I started the blog in the first place. One to help others who may go through this themselves or maybe they have a close friend or family member that ends up in my situation. I know it may bet boring and not everyone will want to read it, but I am most positive that it will help someone someday . . . even if it's just one person, it's more than worth it. Plus it's a way of me being able to document my experience.
If any of you have someone, now or in the future, that has to go through this, please don't hesitate to send them to my blog or to even write directly to me, if they want to.

I have only been to the cancer center a couple of times, but it is becoming apparent to me that some people form strong bonds and friendships there. I suppose after you go there a few time for treatment and to see the doctor, you get to know some of these folks and you can sure understand what they are going through because you are going through it too. It's hard too, because I know a lot of these people have it much worse than me and that makes me sad.
I just want to say that the nurses and staff and everyone are just amazing, wonderful people!!

OK, one other thing for the record . . . I've been very emotional today. Not bawling or anything like that, just the slightest things have easily made me cry. Ok, got to go get some tissue now and see what's on the tube.

I hope those of you that live near me have been able to enjoy some of this awesome weather we have been having!!

I have really enjoyed the comments you have been leaving and the e-mails I receive also. Thank you so much, it means a lot to me!!

Keep Smilin'
Hugs,
Wendy

1 down and 5 to go!!

It's been such a long, long day, that it feels like it was days ago that I wrote the post that I did this morning!!
I had my first Chemo treatment today. It went well, not too bad, just long sitting there in the chair for 3+ hours. BUT I got the newest chair in a private room .. .walls on both sides and a sliding glass door on the front. There are only a couple of those and a couple of semi private rooms and a couple with beds in them. The rest of the area is open space with recliners all along the wall. Each section does have curtains if you want to close them for more privacy and they have TV's & VCR's & movies that you can watch. This newest chair has both message & heat settings. I didn't use the heat but I did use the low setting of the back message . . .it was nice. I felt kind of bad because my mom had to sit in a regular doctors office chair all this time!! They also served me lunch which was pretty good. Then I just rested and tried to sleep. The first stuff they give me in my IV is a anti-nausea drug, then they give me a bag of the first chemo drug and when that's done, they give me one more bag of another chemo drug. Each bag takes about and hour. Toward the end of the last bag I was really starting to get into a deep sleep. I remember hearing voices and trying to wake up, but it just kept pulling me back into the sleep. Then the machine started beeping, loud beeping, which it does everytime a bag is almost gone. I woke up, looked at my mom and said "do you think they have a snooze button on that thing"?

Then we got the whole routine talk of what to watch for, what to do, etc. And then she told me I have to go back tomorrow to get a shot to help my body make white blood cells, to combat the chemo that zaps the while blood cells, so the shot will help me to fight off infection better. I have to get the shot in my stomach/waist region . . . hmmm, wonder how that's going to feel?

I then had to go the store to get some addtional anti-nausea drugs. This process took much longer than it should have and I felt so bad because my mom, although she got the day off, ended up needing to go to work for a while and here we are running much later than we thought!!

Mom, if you read this, I love you so much and I'll never be able to thank you enough, or tell you how much it means to me, for you to be there with me . . . . Thank You!!!

They say that the side effects like nausea usually don't happen for a day or 2 and if the medicine works well, it might not happen at all. I'm feeling pretty good tonight, just very, very tired. But I am prepared, just incase . . . . I've got my anti-nausea drugs at my bedside, which I supposed to take at the slightest, very first signs of nausea. I also have a trash can with plastic bag in it . . . again, just incase. There is nothing worse than trying to get to the bathroom when you have to throw-up!!

Do you know how sometimes things are obvious but it really doesn't hit you until someone phrases it a certain way ? Well obviously chemo involves tough and potent drugs that you wouldn't want to mess with, unless your life depended on it . . cancer!! But something was said today that made me realize, that I'm a walking, talking, toxic chemical waste dump!!!!!!!! I wonder if under the right lighting conditions . . .would I glow?!?!?! just kidding again . . . I've got to try and kid a lot, one of these day's I may not appreciate even my own humor.

OK, I'm really pooped, so I'll get going for now.
Keep Smilin'
Hugs,
Wendy

Thursday Morning Moon 6/19/08

Good Morning,

I did not get much sleep last night, oh maybe an hour or so. It is now almost 6am. I suppose it's to be expected since I'm probably a little nervous about starting chemo today!! I was just going to get up and say hi and bye to Rick as I don't ever see him in the mornings because he leaves by 5am. Well, I had a cup of coffee and then I looked out my office window. There it was, the full moon, heading toward the horizon. It was just beautiful and I wanted to share some photo of it with you. I don't think these pictures do it justice, but they are also the only proof that I really was up so early!! Maybe I'll get to sleep a little during my chemo treatment.

I hope you all have a wonderful day!!

Hugs,

Wendy

Chemo Starts Soon

Hi Everyone,
I saw my oncologist yesterday. I left his office thinking I was going to start chemo next week on Thursday. My mom went with me and later she said something about me starting chemo this week. I said . . ummm, I thought they said next week, she said no, it's probably this week.

Well, I guess that's why it's good to have someone go with you on appts like this. They called me today and had me come in for an orientation type of class on the chemo treatment process. I asked her about when I was supposed to start chemo and she said "I have you scheduled for this Thursday at 11:20am". I just kind of went . . . oh, ok.

I've got to tell you that all the sudden I got kind of scared. For some reason thinking I had a little more than a week before it all started didn't seem so bad. Then all the sudden it's right there in my face . . . . Thursday . . . 2 days from today!!!

I went in for the orientation, then they sent me down for blood work, which I have to have done every 3 weeks before my chemo treatment. This is how they monitor many things on how my body is handling the chemo.

My mom is going to go with me on Thursday for the first treatment. They say you need a ride the first time because you just don't know how you may react to treatment. Some of the anti nausea drugs they give you can make you sleepy, etc. and you wouldn't want to drive if that happens.

The whole process is supposed to take about 3 1/2 hours. The nurse said the first one is usually the worst because people are also nervous, anxious and stressed because they are not sure of the whole process and what is going to happen exactly.

I know everyone reacts differently to chemo and to radiation as well. But it's also a little confusing because almost everyone says . . . "it's not that bad, they've come a long way, etc., etc.", then in the next breath I see a slide show about possible side effects.

Although they have lots of medicine to help combat many of these, it's still a little scary.

Fatigue is a big one and although I hear lots of people work through it, I also hear that some people cannot hardly function. The slide show said that people feel about 50-60% of normal during treatment and for a number of months after treatment is complete. To me having only 1/2 of my normal energy level is a biggie!!

Nausea & vomiting . . . these can, but really shouldn't be much of a concern. But if I do feel these, I just need to let them know so they can change my Anit-nausea medicine.

Mouth Sores . . . canker sores, thrush, etc., hmmm, sounds like fun.

Hair loss . . . I'm being very positive about this, but I'm sure that when my hair actually starts falling out that I am going to FREAK!!!!

Diarrhea and/or Constipation . . . . again there are lots of medicines that help these things, but still.

Blood Count . . .this is another biggie. Red blood cell count goes down . . . . possible anemia.
White blood cell count goes down . . . .more acceptable to infection and/or getting sick. And the Platelets, which are the blood clotting cells. . . . I may bruise easier, gums may bleed, etc.

OK, well there are more but those are the major ones. CRAP, I'm still not too sure about all this stuff!!

I go tomorrow for another hair cut, probably my last for a while. I just might have her cut it really, really short this time. I've heard it's not as traumatic to loose it when it's short, compared to when it's longer. And I can start loosing my hair as soon as 10 days after the first treatment or it can take longer . . . again, it's different for everyone.

I also finally see the dermatologist tomorrow for that cyst problem I mentioned in an earlier post. Seems like it has taken forever to get in to see them!!

Well, I think that's all for now. I'll write more after my treatment and let you know how it all went. I'll leave you now with this cute photo I took the other day.

Keep Smilin'
Wendy

Wild Mustang Story

Any of you that really know me know that I have a real special thing for Wild Mustangs. Those of you that do not know me, well now you know that I have a very special thing for Wild Mustangs!!

I adopted a wild mustang about 8 years ago. "Cowboy" has been a very special part of my life. I did not have him for almost 2 years after a divorce, but I found him through a for sale ad and bought him back!! Talk about a cool story, still gives me goose bumps!!




I found a draft of a post about wild mustangs that I never did publish to this blog . . .but now I have even more to share with you, so it turned out to be a good thing.

I recently photographed some wild mustangs at a BLM (Bureau of Land Management) Adoption that was held at Ride the West. This is the 2nd one I've been able to get photos of and they are some of my all time favorite images. Here are a few of my favorites.


OK, now for the rest of the reason I wanted to write about mustangs. Below is a link to some very incredible images of an abandoned wild mustang foal and a wild mustang stallion who found and protected him. This photographer has many other beautiful images of wild mustangs so I encourage you to look at her website. BUT, first please read her story and view the images of the foal and the stallion. I'm not sure why, but when I looked at the images, I just started crying . . . I think it is just an amazing story!!

http://www.nickolesphotography.com/Images/Stallion-Foal/index.htm

Wendy

My Daughter Chelsea's Birthday

Hello Everyone,
I just wanted to make a special note today because it's Chelsea's 17th birthday!! Happy Birthday Sweetie, I love you so much!!
It also happens to be my paint mare, Spooky's birthday too . . she is 8 yrs old today. Chelsea has always thought it special, that she and Spooky share the same birthday. . . . Chelsea was just 9 yrs old when I got Spooky. Boy how time flies!!
Chelsea & Richard gave her and Cowboy an apple for her birthday!!

Not much else going on really. Next week will be a little busier. I see the oncologist on Monday . . . oh joy . . . I'm sure he'll schedule me to start chemo. Then on Wednesday I have a hair appointment, which may be my last one for a while. I don't know yet how soon the hair starts to go. Then I see the dermatologist on Wednesday also. Hopefully she will hook me up with something that will avoid any future problem cyst in the private regions :)
I don't know if I mentioned this before or not, but it took a while for me to realize that I probably won't just loose the hair on my head . . . duh, don't know what I was thinking, guess I just didn't know. I actually won't mind loosing hair in other places, that could be kind of nice. Not having to shave for a while, hmmm, not sure just how much will be effected. I'll have to remember to ask the doctor. If any of you know anything about this, please let me know.

I'm going to head over to my photo blog and write about some pictures I'm going to take this coming weekend. Trying to squeeze a couple more in while I can.

I hope you all have a good weekend and a GREAT Father's Day!!!!!!
Keep Smilin'
Wendy

Adding Comments

I've had a couple of people tell me that how to add comments to a post is not real clear. I hope I can explain this so it makes sense. For those of us that are new to Blogs and yes, I am one also, these things are not always real easy to figure out!!

After each post there is the word "Comments" with a number before it stating how many people have left a comment. If the number is 0, then no-one has commented yet.

If you want to post a comment click on Comments, it should open a new window and you can choose to either sign-in under your Google/Blogger account, just your name or anonymous.

PLEASE leave me some comments . . . even if it's just to let me know how the weather is where ever you are :)

Thank you and
Keep Smilin'
Wendy

Horses & Kind Gestures

Hello,
I wanted to write a 2nd post tonight about 2 other things. First is the episode I had with my mare yesterday and then about a very kind gesture a total stranger did for me :)

Spooky, is almost 8 years old. I bought her from the auction when she was just 3 months old and I've had her ever since. She is an awesome horse and I love her to death . . . . BUT I had a bit of a reality check yesterday and honestly I didn't like it at all.
Those of you that know me know I don't ride my horses and know that there are lots of different reasons why. I won't get into all that, I'd end up writing a book!! Anyway I also have a mustang gelding named Cowboy who will be 10 soon and I adopted him when he was about 2+ yrs old.

We had new neighbors move in a month or 2 ago. They have horses and yesterday they had them out in their yard area that joins our property. I had put my horses in a different area than usual so they could eat some grass and the electric fence is not turned on in this small pasture because they aren't there much so the grass can grow for them to eat later. Yesterday morning I heard Spooky squealing at Cowboy, I looked out the window and knew immediately that she was in heat. It happens once a month and Cowboy suddenly thinks he's a stallion again. She teases him, he responds and then she stomps her front foot and squeals at him!! Females, go figure!! he-he, just kidding :) I'm telling you this because I can only figure that the problem I had with her later was definitely due to her being in heat.
Late afternoon I look out the window and see the neighbors with their horses and Spooky at the fence line. Spooky is running back & forth and it just doesn't look like a good thing is going on. I went out there grabbing piece of twine on my way, I was not near the barn to get a halter and lead rope and usually all I would have to do is put the twine around her neck and lead her away. Well, NOT today!! She was ALL worked up, running the fence line, leaning over the fence and acting like she wanted to seriously go over it. This whole time Cowboy was over in their regular pasture area being a good boy, but when I went out there he came with me. The twine was not going the job and Spooky was not paying a bit of attention to me. The neighbor handed me over one of their lead ropes. I put it around her neck and over her nose and fought with her a minute or two and then it hit me . . . PAIN, until this moment I had forgotten that I just had surgery and that I shouldn't be out there doing this. But I had no choice, so I went and got some grain hoping I could coax her to follow me into the other pasture. Richard was outside watching me and I asked him to get Chelsea so she could help me. I also got a halter & lead rope when I got the grain. So Chelsea walked a little ahead of me with the grain and I had Spooky leading her in Chelseas' direction. Well, this worked and we got her and Cowboy in the other area where the fence was supposed to be working. It was not, so I walked it and found a spot where the deer go through and knock the wire loose sometimes. I finally got hit working and she did touch it. Not real good, but enough to let her know it was on. She continued to run around, making all kinds of noise. Chelsea gave them hay for me and I just had to walk away.
By this time I was exhausted and hurting really good. I was also very upset at Spooky and VERY upset that I was not able, because of the surgery, to handle her the way I should have, the way I wanted to and the way she deserved. All this meaning to run her butt in circles or what ever it took till she was going to pay attention to me. She did not win, but it was much worse than it should have been. I was also surprised that she was acting this way, even in heat, it just wasn't like her.

I came inside and honestly all I wanted to do was go to bed and cry and I almost did, but I had dinner to fix and things to do. Which was probably better than going to bed and crying anyway. But I did write about 3 emails to people I know asking if they might want to "free lease" her. She has great potential, but I haven't been able to do anything with her since she was broke to ride 4 years ago!! She needs some training and some to love and work with her. She could be a totally awesome horse with a little work and time. I struggle with feeling bad about her just "wasting away" as my pet and all my great intentions of doing stuff with her just doesn't work out.
Now that I have breast cancer and will be going through chemo this summer & fall, I'm sure I won't be able to do much with her AGAIN. And although I got through yesterday with her, what if something like that had happened after my first surgery or later when I'm tired or sick from chemo or ??? This is reality stuff and it scares me. Horses are big powerful animals and if they get freaked out or real excited about something, you've got to be able to handle the situation. The idea of not being physically able to handle her in a less than perfect situation really scares me and causes me to question things.

I am getting very tired, so I'm going to cut this short. I do want to thank a very special person and she will know who I'm talking about if she reads this. She suggested to a group of people who belong to a forum I'm a member of . . . to send me a copy of their favorite movie on DVD. She said it was done for her sister while she was going through recovery from surgery & chemo due to breast cancer. So she tries to do this for others in the same situation. She said the movies are great when you are having a chemo treatment and when you're at home and not able to do much. I think this was a very, very nice gesture and I greatly appreciate it and thank her very much!!

Keep Smilin'
Wendy

Friday June 6,2008 Follow-up wth Surgeon

Hello Everyone,
I had my 1 week follow-up visit with the surgeon today. He said all the test came back benign on the additional tissue/muscle he took out last week. No cancer cells and no pre-cancer cells. This is GREAT news!!
Actually I don't know if it's from the surgeries I've had and the pain pills or what but I am just not as "on top" of things as I usually am. I told my daughter that they may want to scan my brain to make sure everything is OK there, 'cuz, I've been a little ditsy lately!! So with that said, I honestly had not even thought about possible test results on the new tissue he took. It did not hit me until 2 days ago that "crap, it could come back positive for cancer"!!!!!! Luckily I've been too busy to think about it much and was relieved when I saw him today. He said he left me a voice mail on my cell phone 2 days ago, which I never got until I got back in the car and called my voice mail and Yep, there was a message there from Wednesday from the surgeon!!

I did talk to him about the 2 different types of pain I am having. The 2nd and 3rd days after surgery were pretty good, not much pain unless I moved the wrong way. 4th & 5th day especially were worse. 6th day was better until I had to manhandle my unruly mare, more on that later. And today, the 7th day is back & forth, but this evening it's been hurting pretty good.

The first kind of pain is different from the last surgery in that it's a burning sensation behind my breast. It didn't start until the 4th day and the 5th day was real bad, constant burn sensation. As I headed to bed that night I kept thinking of the saying "feel the burn", "feel the burn". I didn't even have to do anything for this to hurt, it was just there constantly. The second kind of pain was a stinging burn that ran from just below my breast, up the right side, through my armpit and down the inside of my arm about 4 inches.

The doc said that the burn is because he had to take quite a chunk of muscle from my chest wall area behind my breast, along with extra skin from the surface of my breast. The other pain that runs up to my arm pit and then down my arm is probably from a nerve that he nicked during surgery. He said it would eventually go away.
These things all hurt without doing anything and then there is my breast and incision that are a whole other story.
Just so you have a bit of a visual and it might help some of the things I say make more sense . . . the cancer tumor was in my right breast. The first surgery there was an incision under my armpit where he removed lymph nodes and an incision on the right side of my breast, running from my armpit towards my nipple, but only about 2+ inches long. This second surgery he went into the original incision on my breast, but needed to take some of the skin around it, so it's longer in length and runs all the way to my nipple now. Keep in mind I don't have much breast to begin with, so an incision like this on someone with normal size breast might only run half way to the nipple.
So luckily my breast & incision only hurt if they are touched or jolted. If I walk to fast or drive over a bump or that kind of thing . . it hurts. I'm naturally pretty protective of it when someone gives me a hug or something like that. The only 2, or 3 that have actually hurt it by touching it are my cat, Trouble, my nieces dog, Scout & ME!! Oh and I've been getting some sharp shooting pain in there the last couple of days too. I wonder if that's from the nicked nerve??

Some of this may be boring for some of you, but I think this is part of what my blog is all about. If anything I share with you helps you or anyone else to know more about this and what things can and sometimes do happen, then it's all good.

I have an appt with my oncologist on June 16th. So I am sure that is when I'll find out about starting chemo.

Okee-dokee, that's it for this post. I will write more in a bit about some different things including my ordeal with my horse yesterday!!

Keep Smilin'
Wendy

LIFE POEM

I want to share this poem and image with you. I don't think you will be able to read the words so I will write them below. I wrote the poem in 2002 and it has been used and helpful on several occasions, with the latest being my diagnosis of breast cancer. The image of the horse is one of my horses and her name is Spooky. I took this photo of her in March of this year.

I gave a framed copy of this to the ladies at the imaging center after they had been so very nice and helpful while I was getting my ultrasound and biopsy done. They really liked it and it is now hanging in their waiting room area for all to see!!

Life
Life and the many paths
it leads you down,
with it's never ending twists and turns,
can be to say the least,
difficult at times.
Do not spend too much time
trying to figure it all out,
or it will certainly be
the cause of your madness.
Instead, take it as it comes,
one day at a time or if needed,
one minute at a time.
Give life and all that it brings you,
the best of your best,
while continuing to
have Faith and Hope.
Continue to dream, if you do not,
you will be lost, wondering aimlessly.
Pursue your dreams and believe.
Believe and know,
there will be peace in your life.
Wendy

Momma's Bed

Mom, thank you for the comment you left on my previous post. I love you dearly!! It did remind me of something and I thought I'd write a little about it. And I won't be surprised if many others are able to relate!!

I have to drive to town 25 minutes each way, to take the kids to school in the mornings. My daughter starts school at 8am and my step-son starts school a little later. Luckily my mom lives close to the school he goes to, so each morning we go visit her and have coffee with her before I take him to school. After my 1st surgery my husband was home and able to take care of everything and he did a GREAT job, thank you honey!! This time he is working, so I have to take the kids to school and pick them up, etc. Luckily this 2nd surgery wasn't as bad as the first and I am able to do this AND this is the last week of school!!!

Well, come Monday morning I was very tired, I hadn't slept very well the night before and getting me out the door was tough. My daughter has her driving permit so she has been actually doing the driving which is great. We got her to school and then went to mom's for coffee. After I took my step-son . . . I don't really like the "step" part of that so I will refer to him as just my son from now on. Anyway, after I took him to school I went back to mom's so I could take a nap before heading back home. I was so tired I really didn't know if I could or should make the drive.

I climbed into her bed and I remember thinking and almost said to her. . ."why is a mom's bed always so comfortable"? It really was so soft and comfortable and Scout the little dog snuggled up with me and before I knew it I was out like a light!!

I remember my kids always telling me that my bed was much more comfortable than theirs. They loved laying in my bed and it seemed to give them a great deal of comfort.

It's funny that here I am, just turned 47 years old and I still think my mom's bed is the most comfy and it still brings me a great deal of comfort.

Thanks mom for letting me nap in the most comfy bed in the world "momma's bed".

I love you,

Wen

Welcome to my new Blog

Hello Everyone,

While some of you know what it going on in my life, others of you do not. I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer in early April 2008. This of course is a major life changer as it effects every aspect of my life and those of my family & friends.

I have been thinking about doing a blog to document my journey with Breast Cancer. I wasn’t real sure about this, but I’ve been highly encouraged to do it. This will be a great way for me to journal my experience, while sharing it with others. I will probably replace my group e-mail with blog entries. You can sign up to receive notice every time someone, including me, adds a post or comment. Right now I’m doing e-mails and a journal, so I’m going to try to combine them all into one . . . the blog.
I think this will be one great source of support for me as I go through the months ahead. You have all been very encouraging & supportive and I thank you very much. Please continue to communicate with me and leave lots of comments on my Blog.
I’m going to backup just a bit to record things that have happened since being diagnosed and up until today. There is going to be more detail in this and future post than have been in the e-mails. It may be some interesting reading. . When you have nothing else to do. Then I will add new post as things happen. I will also incorporate some of my photography into this blog, sharing images with you as I go along.
WARNING: Hmm, I’m not sure how much detail I will include in my post, but I’m thinking it may be a bit more than what has been in my e-mails. If at any time you do not want to receive notice of new posts etc., please just let me know. I understand that not everyone will want to know all the details of this.
Also, this first post will be quite lengthy.

Early March 2008 - I felt a small lump in my right breast. I do not do self exams ever, but for some reason (God) on this day I did. I continued to feel it and wonder about it for a few weeks. Is it really a lump or has it always been there. No, it was different enough that it had me a little concerned. So I went to my doctor and had an exam. Yes, she felt it too and she wrote papers for me to have a mammogram done.

March 28, 2008 - I had my mammogram done. After viewing the initial images they wanted more pictures. After looking at the additional images, they wanted me to have an ultrasound. I was lucky that they were able to take me down for the ultrasound right away.
After the ultrasound the doctor came in and told me that when viewing my mammo results his concern on a scale of 1-10 was about a 5, but after seeing the ultrasound his concern level jumped to about a 9. He wanted me to schedule a biopsy, so I did.
Oh great, I went home and kind of played things down. I told Rick it didn’t look good, but not to worry. I was scheduled for a biopsy. My first reaction is to try and protect the one’s I love. So I did not tell them everything and played it down a bit. Rick has had 3 close family members die from cancer and although I knew that if I had cancer it would not end that way, but I still hated the thought of telling him, knowing what he’s gone through in the past. I later found out that my efforts to try to protect him and keep him from worrying didn’t work. He later told me he knew better!!

April 2, 2008 – I had my biopsy done. They said it went really well and they were able to get some really good tissue samples. It was not the most pleasant experience, but it wasn’t too bad either. This was a Wednesday and we were hoping for test results by Friday.

April 7, 2008 – Monday – I didn’t get test results on Friday. The weekend was pretty rough . . . waiting . . . I tried to sleep a lot and keep busy. About 10am this morning I started making phone calls. No-one had any test results yet. I thought I’d go nuts, the waiting was crazy. I was pretty sure what the results would be, but I didn’t want to tell anyone anything until the “test results” were in.
4:00PM - My doctor called me . . . I have Breast Cancer. I know she told me what kind, etc., but after getting off the phone all I remembered was that “I have breast cancer”.

April 8, 2008 – Tuesday – I had an appointment scheduled with a surgeon, just in case it turned out to be cancer. I had my appointment with Dr Holman today. Mom went with me and Brenda met us up there. He seems like a really nice man and seems to know his stuff.
I have Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. The tumor is small, under 2 cm, which is good. He doesn’t think any lymph nodes are involved, but during surgery he will remove some and have them tested to make sure. It’s a medium grade cancer with 3 being the best and 9 being the worst I am a 6. The test came back negative for hormone receptors which are worse than if it had been positive. The whole hormone receptor thing is still a little confusing, but I’m learning more. They are still waiting on further test results for something called HER/ (something).
I’m scheduled for an MRI next Wednesday. Before then I have to get all my blood test done, a chest x-ray and an EKG. Then on Thursday I will meet with Dr Homan again to discuss further results and probably schedule the surgery. The plan right now is to have a lumpectomy and then radiation treatment. The radiation treatment will be once a day, Monday thru Friday for 6 weeks.

April 16, 2008 – Wednesday - Today I went and had my MRI. Now I am done with test and I see Dr. Holman tomorrow. I’m anxious to see him and see if any of the tests showed anything new and to also get a surgery date scheduled. I want to talk to him and see if I’m being realistic about being able to do Ride the West. Heck, even if he told me I might not be able to, I’m sure I wouldn’t listen, but I just want to know what he has to say about it.

April 17, 2008 – Thursday - Had my appointment with Dr Holman today. Thankfully all my test came back great, no additional problems showed up!!
We have surgery scheduled for Thursday, April 24th @ 12:30pm. I have to be at the imaging center by 8:45am to start getting prepped for surgery.
I guess they have to put some wires in my breast to mark the tumor for the surgeon. Then I get some kind of injection 2 hours before surgery to help find the sentinel node during surgery. The Dr also injects some blue dye stuff during surgery to help find the sentinel node so he can remove it and a few others to have them checked for cancer. I should be home by dinner time. I’m hoping he gives me some good drugs so I can just sleep a lot.
I’m not supposed to do much for about a week after surgery and especially cannot use my right arm for much and cannot lift it over my shoulder. I found out that I can wait to start radiation for 2-4 weeks after surgery. This is great because then I can get the northwest trail challenge & RTW done before starting radiation!!

April 21, 2008 – Monday – OK, so, as if breast cancer is not enough . . . . . . I went to see Katie (my doctor) about a swollen cyst in my groin area that was just killing me. She couldn’t do anything for me but thought it should be lanced and that I should call my surgeon to see what he thought about it.
I called Dr Holman and he wanted me to come in so he could look at it. He said it needed to be lanced and if I didn’t get that done then he would have to postpone my surgery that is scheduled for Thursday. I knew this was not going to be pleasant but that I needed to do it so I could have surgery on Thursday.
I have to say that it was the most !@#$%^&* painful thing I’ve ever experienced. The nurse had a hold of my arms/hands and was kind of holding me down. I was literally screaming about how much it hurt. Mom came over to stand by me and wipe my tears and tell me it would be ok. I know it was really hard for her to see me in such pain. I swear I will NEVER have that done again!!!! The actual lancing I did not feel, it was the many, many red hot poker feeling needle pokes for numbing it that just about put me through the roof!! The numbness lasted for several hours, but when it wore off it was hurting pretty good. The incision is about 2 inches long and he removed the layer of skin that was the top of the cyst and was about the size of a dime. It has to be packed with gauze so it can heal from the inside out and that has to be changed 2 times a day.
April 24, 2008 – Thursday - SURGERY DAY
The first part of this day was NO fun at all. I had to go to the imaging center to get the nuclear injection, which is a radioactive material they inject in my breast. It travels through the lymph nodes and they use a Geiger counter to locate and follow its path during surgery so they know which lymph nodes to take and test. They inject this stuff in 4 different places around the nipple. Each time they inject it there is about 1 minute of pretty painful bee stinging feelings . . . not fun!! Then they had to insert a very thin wire into my breast and through the tumor to help the surgeon locate it during surgery. Then they took more mammogram images. All of this took about 2 hours and by the time they were done I was NOT feeling good at all shaky, weak, a horrendous headache & feeling nauseas. Rick drove me across the street to the hospital and he had to stop so I could open the door and throw up. I was a bit shaky & weak feeling after that, but still felt better than before.
They got me prepped for surgery and the next thing I know I’m waking up in recovery. The surgery went well. He removed the cancer and 4 lymph nodes to test.
Dr. Holman said the cancer was bigger than they originally thought. This could be enough difference to warrant chemo, but he won’t know until he gets more tests back and has a chance to talk with the oncologist and discuss the treatment options. I have an appt with Holman next Thursday and I’m sure that’s when I’ll know more.
My breast & under arm are hurting pretty good. I can’t imagine what it would be like without the pain pills. The incision under my arm pit is about 4 inches long and I was told that this would probably hurt worse than the one on my breast.

May 1, 2008 - Thursday - 1 week after surgery
I had my follow up visit today. Dr Holman said everything looks really good. The caner is NOT in my lymph nodes and that is GREAT!!!
The tumor was bigger than he thought though. It is NOT hormone related. There is a chance I might have to have Chemo. I will be meeting with the oncologist to discuss my treatment plan options soon.

May 7, 2008, Wednesday-almost 2 weeks after surgery. My breast, armpit & incisions are still very sore. I can do more with my right arm, but I am still very limited. It’s very frustrating and I just want it to get better!!

May 14, 2008 – Wednesday - I met with Dr Samuels. He is my medical oncologist. I was fully expecting to talk about the possibility of chemotherapy, but I was not prepared for talking about maybe needing to get a mastectomy!!
He wants to talk to Dr Holman & the pathologist to confirm some test results and then he’ll let me know if he thinks I should have a mastectomy.
Chemo will involve 6 treatments, one every 3 weeks. This means it will be about 4 months of treatment with me getting weaker as each treatment goes by. If the fatigue from chemo is all I have to deal with I will be lucky, but it will be enough to probably mess up my photo schedule.
As soon as I know about the mastectomy I plan to e-mail several of my show/event people and let them know that I may not be able to photograph their shows. This is really a bummer for me, I’ve worked so hard for this and this is my busiest schedule ever!!
I’m trying to be positive and maybe I’ll be able to do more than I think, but I’ve also got to be realistic and 10-14 hour days on my feet shooting a horse show, probably isn’t going to be possible after a treatment or 2. Plus I’m not sure just how brave I’ll be to get out there and strut my stuff after my hair falls out!!
Talking about chemo before was one thing, then sitting in the cancer center yesterday and seeing a couple of women wearing ball caps because they have very little to no hair, well that was a dose of reality.
I had a funny feeling after surgery that this wasn’t all going to be as easy as originally thought. I expected Dr Holman to give me bad news, but it wasn’t until I saw Dr Samuels that I got it. Well, at least possible bad news. Uggghhh, I really don’t like the thought of a mastectomy, really don’t, really don’t!!

May 15, 2008 – Thursday - Tomorrow, Friday the 16th Chelsea and I are going to Spokane for Ride the West. I’m so glad she is going with me and I hope we are going to have a real good time together. I’m going to give her one of my cameras and set her loose taking pictures. We’ll stay at the hotel Friday and Saturday night and then come home Sunday night when it’s all over. So, starting tomorrow I am going to try and not think or talk about all this cancer stuff. I just want to totally get into Ride the West and have a blast and then I’ll get back to “life” next week!!
It’s really weird but I still feel like I’m not talking about myself and I’m having a hard time getting a grip that all of this is really happening to ME, to me, to me, to me. Maybe it’s a safety catch. Maybe if or when it really totally hits me, I’m going to lose it and I don’t look forward to that.
I still totally believe that God has a plan; I just have no clue as to what it is!! I was talking to Him this morning and asked Him to keep holding my hand through all of this and lead me in the right directions.

May 20, 2008 - Tuesday
I had a great time at Ride the West and it was so nice to have Chelsea there with me. I really enjoyed her company and she was a great help too. It’s been 3 weeks since I had surgery, but doing this event just kicked my butt. I can’t imagine what it would be like while going through chemo.
So, as hard as it is, I have decided to cancel almost all of the shows/events that I have scheduled for the rest of the year. This is going to be really hard for me because it’s my busiest season so far, but I don’t know how I’ll be feeling and I don’t want to be stressing over wondering if I’ll be able to do it or not. I also don’t want to leave anyone hanging at the last minute, so I want to give them plenty of notice to find another photographer if that’s what they choose to do. I need to spend the next however many months on doing what I need to do to get rid of this cancer. Then I can hit it hard again next year.

May 23, 2008 – Friday -

Hello Everyone, I’m having a bad day today and it reminds me that I wanted to warn you all about something
WARNING:
I’m trying to have a positive attitude about all of this and most days I am positive, but occasionally I am NOT!! I want to apologize in advance for the upcoming days when I may have a bad attitude and some dry & sarcastic humor to go along with it. Please forgive me and try to understand. Please know if you ever want me to take you off my “group e-mail” all you have to do is ask, I won’t take it personal and I will understand. I still don’t know if this “group” e-mail is a good idea, but lots of you tell me it is and even if you never write me back (which is truly ok), it’s nice for me to be able share things with you all.
I got my hair cut pretty short yesterday, (although my mom thought it would be even shorter), but I love, love, love it. I was it, put in some moose and comb through and in 5 seconds I’m done!! Doesn’t get much easier than this and it looks cute too!! I’ll have Chelsea take a picture of it and I’ll send it out so you can see me before it’s all gone!!
I had my big horse event “Ride the West” this last weekend. I’ve attached a photo of me and Chelsea. The lady that puts this on is Susan Rae and she is totally awesome. Saturday was Tough Enough to Wear Pink day, promoting of all things . . . Breast Cancer Awareness. So lots of people were wearing pink in support of this. I was going to buy a pink t-shirt from the 4-h girls, but their order did not arrive in time for RTW, so I bought a hat instead. Just FYI for those of you who do not know . . . Tough Enough To Wear Pink is sponsored by Wrangler and most Rodeo’s and/or horse events have 1 day that they designate to promote this. Anyway, on Saturday Susan Rae found me and said she had something for me and she wanted to trade golf carts because they had decorated this one pretty with the flowers just for me & Chelsea!!
I almost forgot about what I was writing to tell you all . . . I have to have a 2nd surgery to remove more tissue from my breast and that will happen next week on Friday the 30th. The oncologist likes to have a larger margin (good tissue) around the cancer and my first surgery didn’t have hardly any margin around it. It’s mostly because I don’t really have more tissue to take, so the surgeon will be taking some skin & muscle this time. The oncologist just wants to make sure they got it all and didn’t leave any of the tumor cells in there. I still think this is better than needing a full mastectomy and I’ll be real happy if that never has to happen. Ok, it’s getting late and I’ve been working on photos from last weekend and I’m tired.
Hope you are all doing well and I’ll write again when there is more info.
Love & Hugs,
Wendy

May 27, 2008 – Tuesday - Hello everyone,
Tonight was Matthew’s (my son) high school graduation. It was a very long but nice ceremony. I am totally wiped out but wanted to share a couple of pictures with you all. One reason is to show you my hair cut that I said I was going to get, (my mom thinks I should go shorter) and also to show off my 3 youngest kids, Jessi, Matthew & Chelsea. I think the last time we all got our pictures taken together was about 4+ years ago. The only one missing is Mitch, my oldest, who lives in Colorado . . . maybe I should Photoshop him in?!?!?!?!

It’s going to be a busy week and I have surgery on Friday. I may not write again until after that and let you know how surgery went and if there are any new developments.

Jessi, Matthew, Me & Chelsea
I hope you all had a great Memorial Day!
Hugs,
Wendy

May 31, 2008 – Saturday -
I had surgery yesterday, May 30th and everything went really well.
At first I did not believe the doctor when he told me this would not be as bad as the last time, because yesterday I felt pretty bad, but now I do believe him because I feel a lot better today. Since there were no lymph nodes involved with this surgery, I still have almost full use of my right arm and one less area that hurts from being cut.
He did take out some muscle behind my breast and if or when I move just right, boy oh boy can I feel it. And of course the incision is very, very sore, but luckily it doesn’t get touched much.
I have a follow up visit with the surgeon next Friday and I see my oncologist 2 weeks from this coming Monday. Things should be pretty quiet until then, as that is when I’ll find out when I start chemo. I do have a feeling that I will be starting it right away, which is fine with me. The sooner I start, the sooner I’ll be done.
I hope you are all having a great weekend!!
Love & Hugs,
Wendy